PAULO, WINSTON, LIA, and HARRY arrive at the town of Gloom Hollow. It's the average fantasy town, and we see the exterior of a worn stone wall. They are greeted outside the gate by CURTIS, the town guard, wearing typical guard clothing.
CURTIS
Hey, hey, wait a second there. You can't just stroll in here like you own the place and expect Curtis to just roll out the welcome mat. And I have a welcome mat, it's right here. (he reveals a Welcome Mat) But you don't get it.
HARRY
What the hell Curtis?
CURTIS
You think you can just take what you want? Not with Curtis manning the gate.
LIA
Listen, Curtis, we're here to help.
CURTIS
You bitches can't do nothing for Curtis. Curtis is a lone wolf, ain't relyin' on nobody but Curtis.
HARRY
Goddamn it Curtis open the gate. We have a quest.
PAULO
Please, Curtis?
CURTIS
Aw, the little bunny rabbit in the pointy hat. It speaks. You wanna carrot, little bunny? Curtis got a big carrot you can gnaw on.
PAULO
Dear god.
HARRY laughs.
LIA
That's vile.
CURTIS
What? (he digs into his pants and produces a carrot. He bites off the end.) Curtis gotta eat.
As CURTIS munches on his pants carrot, the group steps aside to discuss the obstacle.
HARRY
What the hell, Winston? Where's the back-up? Can't you cast charm again?
WINSTON
I dunno, can I?
LIA
Try it.
WINSTON tries several hand gestures, to no avail.
PAULO
You clearly don't know what you're doing. Here, do this.
PAULO waves his hands around dramatically, getting very involved in the spell-casting process. Lights start swirling around him. We hear CURTIS from behind them.
CURTIS
Hey! No magic!
The lights fade and PAULO stops.
CURTIS
Curtis don't like magic. Keep it corporeal on Curtis's time.
WINSTON
So what now?
LIA
This is part of the quest.
WINSTON
That guy is part of the quest?
LIA
We have to work together and figure out how to get by him.
HARRY
Let's just call him names until he quits.
PAULO
You can't solve every problem by being a dick, Harry.
HARRY
Find me a problem that you can't.
LIA
Come on guys, think.
WINSTON
Can we, I dunno, bribe him? He likes carrots, does anyone have a carrot?
HARRY
Shut up. No one has a carrot. You're stupid.
PAULO
Harry, please. He's new.
HARRY
I was new before too, and I didn't go ON and ON about goddamn carrots.
LIA
No, you went on and on about how lazy black people are and how much you hate gays. All of my friends are gay, that was unkind.
PAULO
You called me a newfag at least 27 times.
HARRY
I-
PAULO
-in your first session.
HARRY
I'm sorry, okay? I apologized for that like, a million times.
LIA
You never apologized for drawing troll faces all over my Moleskine.
HARRY
Your stupid little diary? The one that's filled with all the lame poetry about how your soul is ice and you live in darkness and something something fire? Yeah, I don't care.
LIA
You're such a dick.
PAULO
Guys! What about Curtis?
CURTIS interrupts from the background.
CURTIS
I can hear you talking about Curtis!
WINSTON approaches Curtis cautiously.
WINSTON
Hello, Curtis.
CURTIS
What do you want, Pignuts?
WINSTON
Can you do me a favor?
CURTIS
Curtis ain't in the business of doing no favors. Curtis is in the business of watching this gate.
WINSTON
And you're very good at it.
CURTIS
Damn right.
WINSTON
So how about you do me a little favor? We have to get inside, to talk to the princess. She needs our help. And it would be great if you could just help us out. Can you do that, Curtis?
CURTIS
What if you lyin'?
WINSTON
I'm a paladin. I don't lie. If you let us in, I'll be sure to tell the princess what a wonderful job her man Curtis is doing at the gate. Maybe you'll get a raise.
CURTIS
If Curtis got a raise, that's like, another carrot? That's amazing!
WINSTON
(to the group) I told you he likes carrots. (to Curtis) You'll get all the carrots you can eat.
CURTIS opens the gate and lays out the welcome mat.
CURTIS
Welcome to Gloom Hollow. May your stay not result in your untimely death. You best tell her now! Curtis needs them carrots!
WINSTON
Of course.
